Wednesday, 13 August 2008

Summer holiday game No. 4: Tiling the Kitchen

This one is really only for Dads, although children can 'assist' for short periods if they absolutely insist (and if, like R4, they are exceedingly cute).

1. Buy kitchen tiles. Unlike bathroom tiles which take three months, three counties and countless rows to choose (and still haven't been laid), kitchen tile choice takes 30 seconds in Wickes in Haverfordwest.

2. Buy extra fast setting tile adhesive.

3. Measure kitchen, draw a chalk line down the middle.

4. Forbid wife and children to tread on, and therefore erase, vital chalk line.

5. Go to work on a late shift.

6. Return at midnight to discover that foul wife and even fouler children have all but erased vital chalk line.

7. Go even greyer and lose a few more hairs from the back for good measure.

8. In a fit of enthusiasm, lay nine tiles.

9. Figure out that you can fit exactly five tiles in a row across kitchen. Work this out all by self without female intervention.

10. Tap foot and count slowly up to 1,000,000 as firstly wife, then mother-in-law aka Granny in the Annexe, also point out this fact.

11. Tear out remaining hair.

12. Lift up the first nine tiles.

13. Lay other tiles, instructing foul wife and fouler children not to step on them until they are dry.

14. Lie to foul wife and fouler children that 'quick setting adhesive' takes 24 hours to dry.

15. Get caught walking on tiles that have only been down for two hours.

16. Admit real setting time is two hours.

17. Watch foul wife and fouler children perform 'Riverdance' on newly laid tiles.

18. Go even more grey-haired. Lose a few more from the back for good measure.

19. Allow youngest child to 'assist' with the laying of one tile.

20. Call for foul wife to remove said child from kitchen.

21. Continue as above until nearly all tiles are laid.

22. Ask foul wife: "What's for tea?"

25. Receive black eye with good grace.


  1. You play all the best games!

  2. This is my kitchen tiling game:

    January - order tiles from UPL in France.

    March - recive tiles via kind friend bringing them back. Have lunch and a lovely day with UPL's friend, bring tiles home and leave them in the dining room.

    June - order plain cream tiles to go with the beautiful painted ones. Realise on receipt they're a tiny bit smaller. They can't go back - special order etc. Wonder what to do.

    July - wonder some more

    August - consider rining a man to work it all out for me and do the tiling.

    When will the game end?

  3. We played this game last year. Fun isn't it.

  4. well it beats monopoly - we did it last year...

  5. Arggh! Stressed out just reading about it! Hope all ended well and shiny new tiles didn't have to be ripped up.

  6. We have ten boxes of new wall tiles underneath the kitchen cupboards and so that we can see them we have not replaced the plinths! The old tiles were removed maybe 6 months ago.We thought that being able to see them might speed us up but no we seem to be quite happy with a kitchen in the style "Beruit." Hey ho!


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