Thursday, 23 April 2009

Oh Darling, how do I HATE thee? Let me count the ways...

1. Your mismatched eyebrows and hair. I know it is petty and childish, but there we have it.

2. You look, sound and act like Mr Bean. Now, I have nothing against Mr Bean. He is quite sweet and charming in many ways, but NOT as Chancellor of the Exchequer.

3. Two pence on fuel duty? What the f...? Talk about kicking us while we're down. Some of us live in rural areas and have no choice but to drive. (N.B.: Rural areas are those pretty green leafy bits at great distance from London where city folk like to go and play of a weekend. People actually live there all the time. I know, astonishing isn't it? Who'd have thought.)

4. Two per cent increase in alcohol taxes. You know we'll want to drown our sorrows after that Budget. That means more money in your pocket. Cheers.

5. Two grand for my ten-year-old Honda CR-V? Only if I can 'scrap' it by crashing it into a wall. With you standing in the way. Splat.

6. What have you got against old cars anyway? Mine passes all its emissions tests, so it's no more polluting than a new one. It's already built, so no scarce resources required to build a new one. And thanks for the two grand, but where am I going to find the other £16,000 for a new CR-V? Have you not heard of the "Credit Crunch"? Don't you know there's a recession? Who can afford to go and buy new shoes at the moment, let alone new cars? It's not something you can just stick on "expenses" without a reciept, you know. Oh. It is. I see. (See point 9. below.)

7. Economy expected to "pick up" in 2010? While you've got the crystal ball out, could you tell me next Saturday's Lotto numbers and the winner of tomorrow's 3.15 at Kempton?

8. Twenty quid extra on Tax Credit. Cheers again. That should just about pay the extra tax on the extra wine I plan to drink. (See point 4. above.)

9. Government savings? Good idea. No more patio heaters, sinks, bath plugs and pornography etc. We civilians have to pay for our own; so should you.

10. "The Government is delivering a comprehensive and coherent package of targeted support to continue to help households and businesses..." Yeah. Right. Whatever. Really? I mean, like, really?

...and, if British voters choose, I shall but love thee better after thy hath been defeated by the Tories.

(With apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning.)


  1. Love the way mismatched eyebrows and hair is top of the list - that's the only thing that I think is attractive!

  2. Big round of applause from the other side of the hills (and many gallons of fuel away). Pip is advocating the benefits of homemade wine today, perhaps we should start our own still?

  3. Oh yes mags, you are sooo right! How can he predict those levels of growth? does he think we are totally dumb? yes, of course he does. All I can say is that Gordon Brown is worse!

  4. Let is instead celebrate what April 23rd is really all about - please visit my blog and the post I have just written to celebrate 23rd April ... which will always be a day to recall - and politicians be damned !!!!!

  5. Hear hear and cheers of support from Yorkshire too. So, you're an ancient Honda girl too. I just love my old Civic, and nor can I stump up £10k+ for a new one, so tootle on it must.

  6. Gosh yes - you have the beast by the tail with this post. God help us if there IS ever a pandemic is all I can say . . .

  7. Brilliant uttlery brilliant.
    As one of those rare countryside dwellers (also struggling through no fault of our own, on 'benefits' such the wrong name for the pittance I recieve for saving the NHS THOUSANDS by giving up my life to look after my husband. [Grrrrr, gnash, .... gets off soap box!] ) I WHOLE heartedly agree with everything you have said, esp the eye brows!

  8. Fabulous.

    It made me smile nearly as much the poster I saw recently at Newport Boat Club (down the road from you I assume) advertsing Wales' best loved tribute act: Elvis Preselli!


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