Thursday, 2 April 2009

Could somebody please tell...

Could somebody please tell Gordon Brown not to smile? Well, at the very least not to grin. He tried a grin during the family photo with the G20 leaders and the Queen yesterday and it was, well, creepy.

His was a Hannibal Lecter I'm-going-to-rip-out-your-liver-and-eat-it-with-fava-beans-and-a-nice-bottle-of-Chianti-ff-fff-ff-fff-ff smile. It was the sort of rictus you would imagine him wearing as he roasts Jacqui Smith on a spit over hot coals. It was not a comfortable smile at all. At full beam it was a terror, a slit of lips and incongruous teeth. He put it on half-beam for the actual photograph itself, but it was still creepy.

Gordon Brown's face is Heathcliffian, best given over to dourness and mood, like a dark grey cloudy sky threatening torrents of thunder and passion. Like Eeyore and Jack Dee, this face is not for smiling.

GB was at it again this morning as the G20 leaders arrived in London's Docklands. The camera hovered as leader after leader arrived in armoured tanks, while a blond woman flitted to and fro looking nervous.

"Smile Gordon!" she seemed to hiss after a while.

So Gordon smiled and put a nation off its cornflakes.

Barack Obama, meanwhile, like the new cool kid at school, provides a grin full of charm and confidence. This grin is everywhere, accompanied by its beautiful fragrant female version in the form of wife Michelle.

The pair are like new exotic fruit on the supermarket shelf; all glossy and shiny and juicy and delicious within. All the other fruit are jostling to be the ones to sit next to them and bask in the beam of their glory.

MO, arriving for breakfast yesterday with GB and Mrs GB, was polished and lovely in a beaded sequined cardigan. Number 10 has never seen such glamour so early in the day. GB looked flustered and grinned a normal grin for once, even managing not to look surly as the Presidential magic dust glittered around him.

Then it was off to the Palace for the First Lady and the First Man to meet the Queen as all good folk should. BO and MO towered in their glory above the tiny doll-like Toytown Queen. While the Duke of Edinburgh, his ears hearing details of the No. 10 breakfast meeting while his eyes gazed upon the Obamas, said what was undoubtedly fermenting in his un-PC brain: "How can you tell them all apart?"

Meanwhile the good old Brits were doing as good old Brits should and having a riot. What fun to march through the City and burn an effigy of a banker*. Bankers** looked on from the rooftops above in amusement as the rioters, bored with boring old fire and chanting in fancy dress, took a major dislike to the Royal Bank of Scotland. They smashed their way in and pinched a few computers while a lone peaceful protester pleaded with them to calm down.

The police, meanwhile, looked on with their video cameras (as is the modern way) and jostled a few demonstrators. Blood was shed on both sides and all eventually went home happy, ready to do the same again today.

* That's bankers as spelt with a w.
** Again the W is taken as read.


  1. Oh, that expression on Phil's face when he saw MO! Priceless! I was just waitng for him to open his mouth and he didn't let us down! As for Gorgeous, as he known at Hotel H, and not in a good way, truly, there is something about him that makes even world leaders look a bit faint when he gets close. He's got to go.

  2. Beautifully put. I missed the coverage of breakfast and meeting Philip, but you painted the picture perfectly. El Gordo should not have had his teeth fixed - he reminds me of one of those boy-racer cars where some poor sap has thrown hundreds of pounds at new wheels, tyres, tinted glass, fancy paint job, but failed utterly to disguise that it's a twelve year-old Vauxhall Corsa.

  3. Such a great read Mags. You should do more of this. Really funny and eloquently put xx

  4. I loved this post! I will now be on the look out for Mr Brown's smile. Just one look!

    Until seeing Mr and Ms Obama next to your Queen, I had not realized how tiny she is. Ms Obama is very tall, and when in certain shoes, seems taller that her husband.

    Hoping you all didn't mind Ms O touching the back of the Queen!

    Ms O's sequined cardi came from mail order retailer J Crew. That style has now sold out.

    Thanks again for this post, PM.

  5. I watched a lot of this on last night's news, and reading your post brought it all back - with a laugh. The 'O's really are the bright and shiny new kids, aren't they? And then we have the podgy, stodgy PM from Canada and his equally white-bread wife (although we're all supposed to be impressed that she can ride a motorcycle) - I cringe,

  6. Yes - the Obamas were on quite a different scale to the Queen, weren't they? It looked as though they'd wandered into a particularly ornate dolls' house. Not quite sure I like the idea of GB as Heathcliff. Yes, he is indeed creepiness personnified.

  7. Words have always failed me in regard to the 'oh so lovely' GB - but now I have your wonderful, wonderful post to fall back on! Perfect! Warm wishes to you, Vxx

  8. Well I suppose GB had to smile because, after all, he's 'saving the world' - isn't he? !! Glad not to have switched the TV on, would rather listen to the radio, but this was a gorgeous and elegant post and I am so glad I clicked onto your blog this evening, Preselimags.Thankyou.

  9. You are so right on all counts here. Great blog.

  10. Gosh - you have the entire set-up described SO eloquently. GB with a smile is spooky - that smile doesn't look happy to be out on its own does it? Doesn't look right . . . In fact, it's nearer gurning than smiling . . . The poor Queen looked like she'd shrunk in the wash . . .

  11. You are so darn funny! I wish I could have seen it all, but I try not to watch the news and ours isn't nearly as entertaining as yours anyway.

  12. This made me smile Mags! You've hit the GB nail on the head here. Emma x


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