Friday, 16 April 2010

Sex and the single guinea pig

Spring has sprung and the sap is rising here in the Preseli household. Little lambs are bouncing around in the fields. Maary's still going strong too. More of her in a future post. Of more immediate concern are the antics of the guinea pigs.

Now guinea pigs are sociable animals and must be kept in pairs. To cut a long story short we got these two the Christmas before last - both off Freecycle - hid them in our bedroom for a month (and hell are they noisy 24 hours a day) and sprung the surprise on Christmas day. They are adorable and have led a trouble free existence.

Until now.

Look at him. This is Patchy. Butter wouldn't melt. Eyes like the blackcurrant ones in a box of Rowntrees Fruit Gums. Glossy, shiny coat. Whiskers cuter than the cutest thing. But he's turned from a sweet cute pet rodent into a boiling ferment of libido.

This is his Lucky his friend. Named because he was found in the middle of a field of sheep in the middle of nowhere by someone who had no idea what he was. He was introduced to Patchy and the pair have been firm friends ever since.

Until now.

Confined to his little pink guinea pig palace, even outside in the run on the lawn, Patchy has little opportunity for, to put this delicately, "dating opportunities". So, testosterone reaching boiling point in his tiny body, his amorous attentions could only go in one direction.

Lucky, understandably, complained but being a guinea pig of indeterminate years he really was no match for the younger, fitter and just plain desperate Patchy.

So we keep finding Lucky burrowed into a pile of hay, shaking with fear and singing the guinea pig version of 'Unchained Melody'.

The girls noticed the antics.

R6: "Mummmeeeeee! Patchy's climbing on top of Lucky, I think he's trying to hurt him!" (Actually I think he's trying to shag him.)

H8:  "Mummeee, why is Lucky's fur all sticky?" (Front, as well as back. Patchy, you rotter.)

Patchy, meanwhile, is stretched out like a lord, eyes closed with a happy smile on his exhausted little face.


  1. Oh my word!!!!!!!!Poor poor lucky not so lucky now, I am weeping here, absolutley weeping with laughter! Quiet brilliant!

  2. Reminds me of our first Jack Russell that used to try and shag any leg he came near to - often with embarrassing results.

  3. Well, I never thought I'd be reading about Guinea Pig Porn!!!

    Apropos of this,when we had poultry, we had ducks as well as hens. One of the ducks was a cross between a Silver Appleyard and a Call Duck. His name was Angel, and he was, like his namesake, a rotter with the women. Anything would do . . . In his frustration (having grown bored with his harem) he one day took a shine to our Maran cockerel, Paxo, and chased him round and round the paddock, finally getting close enough to grab his tail feathers with his beak. It was like something out of a silent movie, with Angel swinging round, feet off the ground, grimly hanging onto a beakful of feathers, like Fatty Arbuckle on the turntable ladder. . .

    I am afraid there is no happy ending to this tale (or tail!) Paxo got tired and slowed down, and Angel caught up and the first recorded case of cross-species sodomy was recorded . . . here in a quiet Carmarthenshire field . . .

  4. Oh.

    Did he reach for the Marlboro Lights?

  5. Oh bleurgh! That's more than lucky - that's yucky! There must some place on the wilder shores of the net where you can buy a blow-up guinea pig and stop Lucky getting, er, lucked over.

  6. I knew there was areason I didn't like guinea pigs!!!Yurk!!

  7. Hello. You have really made me laugh this lunchtime, reading this and your previous blog. Thank you.

  8. Tattie - We wept too. Poor Lucky.
    Mark - Dogs are much worse than GPs.
    Bovey Belle - Poor Paxo! Mind you probably gave him a taste of his own medicine.
    Silver Pebble - He's a non-smoker apparently.
    Chris - Bleurgh sums it up. Thankfully the sap has subsided now.
    HeratHome - No, I can't stand GPs either. Not now.
    Magic Bean - Glad I made you smile!

  9. Oh the poor thing -
    Bel is so sure that our single male guinea pig is going to have babies that she keeps on watching him like a hawk.


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