Man 1, Rodent 0

The rodent that has been terrorising my polytunnel is no more. His list of crimes included eating all of my F1 cucumber seeds, a tray of pale courgette seeds, melon seeds (twice), sunflower seeds (twice), sweetcorn seeds (an entire packet), Big Max pumpkin seeds (entire packet), butternut squash (five seeds out of six) and Turk's Turban squash (also five seeds out of six).

Evidence.

He also had a jiffle about with his paws in a tray of Cosmos seeds and had a look at some Verbascum seedlings.

By way of defence we suspended the seed trays on a plank from ropes in the middle of the polytunnel. So the mouse climbed the polytunnel poles and shimmied down the ropes to get to the (second batch) of seeds.

There is one word for that rodent, bastard talented .

The bill for his crimes is massive. He has set my gardening year back by at least four weeks, probably more. At least it wasn't too late to buy new seeds and replant but not if the rodent existed to eat them all over again...

He was, officially, Enemy Number One. I issued orders that he must be apprehended.

The Commander in Chief set five traps, four of the 'snap your little rodent neck' sort and one humane (preferred) live trap. I tip-toed around the polytunnel trying not to turn into one of those cartoon Tom and Jerry mouse-trap on fingers, toes and nose scenarios.

Last night the rodent selected the live trap as his punishment of choice and sat in it fatly and glossily waiting for the Commander in Chief.

What happened next is hazy but the C in C claims that the terrorist rodent put up some 'resistance' during which the rodent 'ran down the curtain and joined the choir invisible'. It was then buried, not at sea, but somewhere known only to the C in C (I suspect he might have given it to one of the cats to demonstrate the dereliction of its duties) and we will not be releasing pictures of the corpse.

The C in C then had to face his kangaroo court martial at 6am at which he was found guilty of major disobedience for damaging the criminal and his punishment is to dig enough well-rotted manure to mulch the entire garden and build the new polytunnel.

Today (sigh) for the third time I will be planting courgettes, melons, sunflowers, pumpkins and butternut squash. I'm bringing the seed trays into the comfort and safety of the house in case of revenge attacks by the rodent's relatives or friends.